Been a bit ill / am a bit ill

Hello,

Here’s what’s happening in my life at the moment. I found out a couple of months ago that I have cancer. I’m happy and I’m doing well. I’ve decided it’s good to be open about these things, so here’s a little information in case you’re interested.

I’ve had it unknowingly for about seven or eight years, maybe longer. During that time my cancer cells have travelled out of my testicle into my stomach and chest and up into my shoulder and neck, growing quietly and slowly into tumours.

My prognosis is good but it’s not clear yet how much treatment I’ll need. So far I’ve had two surgeries and a couple of months of chemotherapy. There’s talk of another three surgeries and another twelve weeks of treatment.

If you want to know, the chemo drugs I’ve had so far is BEP. I had three cycles of that. I might have another four cycles of TIP after my surgeries.

The doctors are surprised my cancer has been so slow-growing. It’s not been aggressive, which is good, but the result is that I have mature tissue that isn’t so responsive to chemotherapy. That’s why I’m going to have a series of surgeries, or one big one with several surgeons working on different parts of me. I’ll have a lot of thank you cards to write.

A friend recommended a graphic novel by Matilda Tristram called Probably Nothing. It’s her diary of a year when she was diagnosed with cancer and also had a baby. It’s brilliant, and I’m mentioning it because I loved reading it. I bought copies for the nurses.

I wasn’t sure what to expect from the chemotherapy so I spoke to lots of people who’d been through it before. I collected their worst memories so I didn’t have any nasty surprises.

The people I spoke to were really open and helped me a lot. After talking to them I was expecting to feel awful but in the end I’ve just felt tired and bald. There have been some strange side effects but nothing really terrible. Maybe I’ve just been lucky.

When I was diagnosed I felt anxious for about an hour or so, but I quickly came to feel very thankful and lucky that it wasn’t worse.

I keep thinking gratefully of all the other people who have had this kind of cancer before me, whose experiences have led to better treatment and the anti-nausea drugs that have kept me feeling almost normal.

During my treatment, life revolved around my hospital appointments. Before all of this, I hardly ever had any reason to go to the hospital.

I’ve found the experience quite amazing. No matter what size you are or where you are in the world, your body is a vast galaxy of things. The scale of what is inside you is hard to imagine. You contain all this chemistry. Inside me there are cancerous cells and tumours among lots of other things I don’t know about, and I don’t really understand how any of it works. I find this exciting and mysterious. I have all these unknown civilisations under my skin.

I have posted exactly nothing on Instagram during this time. Doing online stuff hasn’t seemed important or interesting. I’ve been more curious about the waves of fatigue and side effects I’ve experienced. I’ve been doing some serious navel-gazing.

I’ve painted, but not as much as I expected I would. The time I’ve had energy to paint I’ve tried to spend with my son.

It’s not been bad, mostly thanks to the support I’ve had from friends and family and of course the wonderful nurses and medical people. I’m lucky to be surrounded by kind and thoughtful people. The feeling of being helped is really profound. I have to say, this has all been life-affirming and has given extra definition and meaning to the things I love. How lucky I am, I’ve realised.

This is literally true. I’m lucky to have a treatable disease; billions have been spent on researching how to cure and treat it, and there are many specialists to help me. All I have to do is be treated by experts and follow the program. If I had a less treatable cancer, my prognosis would be worse. If my disease was less known or less funded, I would feel more alone, more anxious, and there wouldn’t be the same relatively easy path for me to follow. If I suffered from depression, I would have to rebuild myself and deal with stigmas than I haven’t faced as a cancer patient.

At the moment I have a short gap in my treatment, which is why I’m reappearing to write this and design cushions and things. I’ll probably redisappear when it’s time to have to have more stuff done.

Today some of the hair on my face started to grow back. I’m going to have to shave soon. It’s a hassle but I’m excited about it.

Here’s something I painted yesterday. I had the idea in the shower, I drew it in the condensation on the glass then went to my shed and painted it. The dog looks a bit like a pig but I still like it.